Funny stuff I found on Twitter ~

- Police: "Papers?" Me: "SCISSORS, I WIN!!"

- 'Screaming "NOOOOOOOOO" when the teacher starts erasing the board when you're not done copying.'

- "No offense" means "I want to insult you without you getting angry on me."

- "Are you single?" - No, I'm plural. "I meant are you free this Friday?" - No, I'm f*cking expensive.

- 'Boy: Mommy what's in your stomach? Mom: Your baby sister! Boy: You love her? Mom: Very much! Boy: Then why did you eat her?!!!'

- Why do we feel safe under blankets? It's not like a murderer will come in thinking "I'm gonna kill- ahh f*ck no! They are under a blanket."

- Dear Math, We are sick and tired of finding your "X". Just accept the fact that she is gone. Sincerely, Grow up and solve your own Problems.

- 'That awkward moment when a package says "Easy open" & you end up using scissors, knife, hammer, gun & a lightsaber trying to open it.'

- okay = everything's cool. okay? = you make no sense. okay... = you're creepy. okayy = i don't care. Okay. = i'm so pissed off.

- Child: "Dear Santa, please send me a baby brother!" Santa: "Send me your mother."

- My mom texted me "What does IDK, LY & TTYL mean?" I replied: "I don't know, love u, talk to u later." Mother: "Ok, I'll ask your sisters".

- Girlfriend: Wanna see a magic trick? Boyfriend: Sure, babe. Girlfriend: BAM! You're single.

- Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home. *A boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that?! Boy: Me! Im going home.

- 'I'm not stealing my neighbor's WiFi, their WiFi is trespassing into my house.'

- "Dude, she just called you lazy!" "Oh heeell no, go tell her I'm not!"

- 'I saw a baby today with a shirt that said: I'm what happened in Vegas.'

- No matter how old you are, when a little kid gives you a Toy Phone and says its for you, You answer that sh*t.

- Chuck Norris was born May 6,1945. The Nazis surrendered May 7, 1945. Coincidence? I think not.

- I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig. It is not a very good poem, but it is very deep.

- Taking a well deserved break after writing the title of your assignment.

- That awkward moment when you go to grab somebody sexy and tell them ‘hey’, but your hand hits the mirror.

- Snow outside? When about 5% people will go outside and play in it, the rest 95% will make a Facebook status about it.

- Excuse me.. Excuse me.. Excuse..WHATTHEHELL MOVE?!!!

- Yo mama didn't drop you as a baby! The sidewalk did just took one look at you and jumped up & slapped you.

- So I put your phone on "Airplane Mode" and threw your phone up in the air. Worst Transformer Ever. Just saying.

- In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them.Now you delete them off Facebook. That'll teach 'em not to mess with you.

- The first status on Facebook in 2013: "is anyone alive?"

- Start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow @ 9PM" everyone is going to be there.

- That awkward moment when you laugh so hard that no noise comes out, so you just sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal.

- It's all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

- You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in? That's God, playing The Sims, canceling your action.

- Any time a bird craps on my car, I eat an entire plate of scrambled eggs on my porch, just to show the birds what I'm capable of.

- Once you hate someone, everything they do is offensive. “Look at this b*tch, eating those f*cking crackers like she owns the place!”

- I've always wanted to go into an elevator full of strangers and say "I bet you're wondering why I've gathered you all here today"

- B*TCH I'LL BURN THIS MOTHER FU* TO THE GROUND NOW WHERE IS IT? Sir, calm down your toy is under the McNuggets.

- My little sister's password for the Disney website is "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto" I asked her why, she said "They told me to use 4 characters".

- The Gaga Law: (RAH)² (AH)³ + RO (MA + MAMA) + (GA)² + OOH(LA)² = Bad Romance

- I got a text! I hope it's from.......... OH MY GOD, LEAVE ME ALONE.

- When you miss a call by a few seconds and call the person back..... and they don't answer.

- I hate when people see me at the mall & are like "Hey what are you doing here?" I'm like "Oh you know, hunting zebra."

- My parents accused me of being a liar. I looked them in the face & said, "tooth fairy, Santa, Easter bunny." & walked away like a boss.

- "Tell me a bedtime story!" - Sure honey, once upon a time, a little girl wouldn't go to bed. Then she died.

- Baby mosquito came back after 1st time flying,His mom asked him "How do you feel? He replied: It was wonderful,Everyone was clapping for me!

- GF: I did something bad. You'll hate me! BF: We can work through anything! I'm sure I'll forgive you. GF: I broke your Xbox. BF: OUT. NOW.

- Boy calls another girl: "Hey babe I miss you." Girl: "Your Xbox broke didn't it". Boy: "Yep..."

- GF: Hey babe, where are you? BF: I'm at home about to sleep, I'm really tired. Where are you? GF: In the club right behind you ._.

- If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

- Some guy broke into my house last week, and all he took was my TV remote, Now he drives by and changes the channels.....Sick bastard

- *A nerdy guys phone goes off* Jock: "Who was that, your girlfriend?" *Everyone laughs* Nerd: "Nope. It was yours." *Dead silence*

- R.O.T.F.L.S.H.T.I.R.O.A.R.A.A.C.R.O.M.A.I.L Rolling On The Floor Laughing So Hard That I Roll Onto A Road And A Car Runs Over Me And I Live

- Facebook asks: What's on your mind? Twitter asks: What's happening? Foursquare asks: Where are you? The Web is a worried mom.

- I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It's obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.

- Doing weird faces & sounds in an elevator & then realizing it has a camera.

- Before the clock strikes 12 o’clock on Dec 31st, go into a room, come out after 12 & be like “sh*t I haven't seen you guys since last year!”

- When you're stressed, You eat Ice cream, Cake, Chocolate & Sweets. Why? Because stressed spelled backwards is DESSERTS. Mind = Blown.

- 2011: I'm sexy and I know it. 1836: I'm physically attractive and I'm aware of this statement.

- "Did you just fall?" - "No, I attacked the floor." - "Backwards?" - "I know, I know. I'm so talented."

- We don't have any vegetable jokes yet, so if you know one, lettuce know...

- "I wasn't that drunk!" "Dude, you went to the train station smashed yourself against the wall, trying to get to Hogwarts!"